Forty, Fit and Fab in Florida!

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Tomorrow embarks on an exciting part of my journey! Let me explain, tomorrow Friday July 23 is my anniversary. No, I am not married, it is the anniversary of my divorce, so I am celebrating being single. The past three years have been filled with lots of wonderful life lessons. Yes, some of them were hard lessons, and often difficult. Not to mention, I am hard headed and learned them kicking and screaming. Nonetheless I learned and they were wonderful and will assist me in growing and becoming a stronger wiser person.

So, tomorrow I am celebrating single life in South Florida. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am not male basher in the least. Actually I believe men treat us the way we allow them to treat us. That is one of my life’s lessons in the past three years as well. If one allows someone to mistreat them, bully you, call them names and talk down to them….how is that the abusers fault? When one allows it?

Perception must have clicked after the 312 date on the marathon Match.com “Teresa tried to find a soul mate”, and I walked into the restaurant before I even sat down my date said “If you want to eat you will have to buy your dinner, I only invited you for a drink.” DATE OVER PLEASE INSERT ANOTHER QUARTER. I wasn’t looking for free dinner sir, but some conversation would have been nice.

It was shortly after that I was invited to take a year off of dating and work on me, I thought that was the craziest thing I had ever heard. That was about 2 years ago, and I am still working on me and discovering the things I like to do.

After tomorrow’s celebration then there is a HUGE MILESTONE on Saturday. It’s my Birthday and I turn 40. There were several years wasted in my life, dreading 40. My eyes have been opened and I am seeing that in an entirely different light.

It seems as if I am going to this decade much wiser, stronger, healthier and happier than I could have ever dreamed. The years prior I had sort of just meandered through looking for something to complete me. Food, shopping, dating, and whatever the newest fad, none of those things seemed to satisfy my insatiable hunger and burning passion to live and not just exist.

It seems Forty in Florida will be the hottest day of the year!

On to Sunday July 25, 2010. Generally this has been a sad day for me over the past 11 years. This year it will signify the 12 year of my grandfather’s leaving his body behind on earth and going to a much better place. My grandfather was was diagnosed with a return of cancer on May 20 of 1998 and he died within two months. I am thankful he did not suffer longer as some times people linger with cancer for long months. Sunday will not be a tribute to his death, but a celebration and a memorial of his life.

Some of my earliest memories in life are of times spent with my grandfather, I used to sit at his feet as he did wood working on the steps of the porch. He was always telling me stories that applied to life, or teaching me about animals, plants and other valuable lessons.

My grandfather used to read stories to me from The Brother’s Grim Fairy Tale Books, one of my favorites was Rapunzel and as my grandfather would get to the part where “The kings son came and called Rupunzel let down your hair” I would listen with big wide eyes! (Pun intended)! Once I said to my grandfather, do you think my hair is long enough for the kings son to come marry me? He said “Rass (that is my childhood nick name he gave me) if the kings son has to drag around on your ponytail to get where he is going, he ain’t worth having!”

My grandfather was a wise man!

This is going to be a beautiful weekend for me.

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Midlife Crisis with WLS?

(Or Knowing Ones Self)

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Is This What we call a MidLife Crisis? Do I get a Harley?

On July 24th of this year, I turn 40. Thinking back 21 years ago when my mom turned 40, I thought she was the oldest person in the world. How could MY MOM be 40? Here we are 21 years later. When my mom turned 40 I don’t recall her having a midlife crisis. When my ex-husband who I refer to a my wasband turned 40 he got a new girlfriend and started taking trips on the Harley.

That was in 2001 and since then; I have had so many life altering events happen. On September 11, 2001 a catastrophe happened in the US. Our World Trade Center, the twin towers and the Pentagon were bombed using our own aircraft. Talk about weapons of mass destruction it was our OWN machinery that hit the buildings causing utter chaos.

At the time, my life was in such a shamble given my general life patters, that I identified 911 as somehow being my fault. Talk about guilt and shame playing tricks on one’s mind.

On Feb. 10, 2002 my divorce became final, and I was devastated. Yes, my marriage was horribly abusive and yes he had an affair. However, I was angry that I had married this man, and stayed with him, only for him to leave me that I was angry and vowed to get him back.

On June 23, 2003 we remarried. On June 28, 2003, I was in a SUV roll over that totaled my car. A deer jumped the guard rail as I traveled a long winding WV road, spinning my SUV (appropriately a Pathfinder) into a tailspin. My 385 pound body was sent hurling through the sunroof as the vehicle was flung into a tree, leaving me trapped.

To this day, I don’t know if I was trapped 10 minutes or 2 hours, time stood still. A reality moment occurred when after realizing I wasn’t injured, I still thought death would have been better than knowing after they cut my vehicle away with the jaws of life, it was going to take 7 adults to hoist my obese body onto a stretcher.

All I could do was cry and apologize for my size as they sweat and strained to lift me.

All the while my husband screaming at me as I lay trapped that I had torn up the car. This very moment, I realized I had made a horrible mistake in remarrying him, and I vowed to back up and change things.

On September 11, 2003 I had bariatric surgery and have lost 235 pounds since that day, and I have maintained it. That wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was realizing this surgery healed my body, but it actually made my life worse. My husband had gotten more jealous, I searched harder outside myself for love and validation, and I could not medicate the emotions as my pouch was too small.

After a few years of battle, I realized to see the change in life that I wanted to see. I had to BE the change. At the age of 36 and had never even SEEN the airport much less flown, I agreed to fly to Las Vegas for the ASMBS conference regarding bariatric surgery. Susan Maria Leach with BariatricEating had asked me to represent her company, I was honored. On January 19, 2006 I drove to the airport and set out to fly the friendly skies.

At the time, I had been a nurse for 17 years, and had only driven outside of WV twice and that was to North Myrtle Beach and Dollywood. Here I was a 36 year old post op in Vegas.

My unique talent to tell my story and speak with surgeons landed me a job at BariatricEating, and I threw my things in my car and set out driving into the sunset heading for Florida. Most of my driving had been on dirt roads, or narrow two lane roads so you can imagine my shock at driving in Fort Lauderdale and Miami.

However, I am not easily dissuaded and very quickly I caught on. Now, I wouldn’t hesitate to rent a car in NYC, Mexico or anywhere else I might venture. Things were going along quite nicely in Florida when in 2008 I realized my body was at a normal weight and long healed from the bariatric surgery. My mind and spirit not so much, and it seemed a divine intervention would have to take place before something drastic happened.

The thoughts of taking my own life had entered my mind, and only by the grace of divine intervention would I have the opportunity to treat my bariatric surgery holistically and work to heal the mind and spirit as well.

On July 2, 2008 (Independence day) was my first appointment with a local therapist. There was a thunderstorm that day here in Florida (those of you that experienced our storms know what I mean) there were sheets of rain, with lightning and thunder and all the traffic lights were out, yet I kept driving. I opened the door and had no umbrella, and the water was standing in the parking lot almost to my knees. I took off my heels, and treaded the water , my soul was being called to show up for that appointment and my body was doing its best to honor that. This was the beginning to healing that I had never expected.

When the elevator door opened my therapist was standing at the desk as she wondered if I would be able to make it, and we looked at each other and at the same time said “there you are”. The promise that she made in that visit was to support me as I discovered who I am, and support me in being that person. She said to me, I won’t make decisions for you, nor will I influence them, when you are at a crossroads I will tell you what is likely to happen if you turn left, as well as what might happen if you turn right. She informed me the direction was my decision, but she would be there to listen and support me no matter what turn I made. Being fully aware that my 40th birthday is approaching, and not wanting to make an impulsive decision I slowed down long enough to put great thought into my future. When it occurred to me I needed change in my life, in many aspects. In order to grow sometimes we have to be willing to let go of what’s in one hand to see what we can grab with the other. Of course there is a great sense of security in clutching onto whats in your hand, and a fear of letting go not knowing if you can land your grip firmly on what you are reaching for. I imagine this is the exact feeling the trapeze artist feels as he begins to let go of his grip to reach for the oncoming trapeze.

On May 3, 2010 my youngest daughters 18th birthday I resigned from my 4 year position at BariatricEating. It was a conscious decision, even though many of my friends are there including Susan Maria, whom I have even called my adopted sister. The last week, I have spent getting to know myself even more and going deep inside to “find my inner Dolly” has been a remarkable experience.

In my therapy session Thursday, we discussed how legally with all these life change it would be normal to experience a bit of depression. YOU KNOW THAT scale where you get so many points for a new marriage, quitting a job, getting a new job ect. With all the changes in the last 6 weeks that range from quitting a job, getting a new job, having not only a birth but TWO births in my family in the past year to starting an educational program….. I am not depressed at all.

Instead I am being aware of each feeling that comes up, acknowledging it, and experiencing it and letting it flow. I am also honoring who I am, instead of changing me to fit the mold of what others want me to be.

Last Sunday, I took a ride across alligator alley with friends, there were 9 of us and I am the second of two Teresa’s, and everyone was trying to think of a nickname for me, and then asked what do you want to be called and I replied “Teresa” that’s who I am. (I thought to myself I have been Dolly, Miss Dolly and even T and miss T) and its time to be me!

So while it may seem to some I am having a midlife crisis, I would say it’s more of an intervention.

I leave you with one thought.. The world will tell you who you are UNTIL you tell the world.

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The Beautiful Lie

(Or The Ugly Truth)

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Monday, February 8, 2010 The Beautiful Lie!

This has been a stressful weekend! Usually when I post there is a smile on my face and I have calmed down from all of life’s situations. So all you usually see is the “sunshine”! I am beginning to realize that sugar coating things and painting a picture that is so much more beautiful than the reality, is not only creating a beautiful lie to myself, but the world around me. Life happens day by day good, bad and UGLY!

Saturday when I came in to work the store the computer would not turn on, and after spending a good hour and a half “futzing” with it and trying to take care of clients at the same time, I was flustered. I am not going to lie and say the thought of eating a package of cookies didn’t cross my mind, because it did! It would have been a compulsive reaction, but I thought about it and then took a step back and realized a couple of things. One just like everyone else, there is crap that goes on in my life that is just routine crap. I can deal with it by taking action and doing the best I can to change it and deal with it. OR I can compulsively react and eat. In the past I spent too much time, eating a pack of cookies, or a bag of chips. How many times I lied to myself in the past by saying I don’t eat that much! I didn’t eat the entire pack of cookies or the entire bag of chips, knowing that my motto of ” I never eat the last one” made that beautiful lie an ugly truth. You see if I left the last cookie in the package, I wasn’t eating the WHOLE thing. I could lie to myself and make it true!

The challenge has been to move past those days without punishing myself! I don’t need to look back at myself as a victim, or as a pityful soul. A better plan for me has been to look back and learn the lessons involved with these experiences. What did eating an entire pack of cookies or a bag of crispy chips do for me when I we preop? Did it fill a hunger, or hide a truth?

These are all thoughts that have crossed my mind this week as life has came at me head on. It’s hard to face life and it hurts sometimes. Emotional eating won’t stop things from happening and it won’t numb things, but figuring it out is only the beginning working through it is the challenge. It seems as if I am giving the problem but not offering a solution, correct? The solution lies within our own hearts.

Let’s look inside and ask ourself what drives us to buy the cookies, and then what leads us to not have portion control and last what drives us to lie to ourselves and others about it. This is the key to open the door of healing.

We have our world and our future in our hands. Why drop the world to grab a cookie or a chip?

Love & Light ~~Teresa~~

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Let’s Talk About Carnie Wilson

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“But do you think I’m made of stone? Don’t you know my pain is real? ” Dolly Rebecca Parton

I didn’t watch Carnie Wilson Unstapled yesterday. There isn’t much time for television in my life since my own bariatric surgery. But of course there is lots of buzz in the bariatric community. There is always lots of buzz in the media when there is something negative to portray about the surgery.

I met Carnie Wilson a few years ago in San Francisco at an ASMBS conference in San Francisco. She was taking photos with people and promoting one of her “books, CD’s” whatever it was at that particular time. It was June 2006, and as I was having so many struggles in my own life, it was hard for me to focus on someone else’s problems with bariatric surgery. But I am by nature an empathetic and compassionate person, and I stood there listening to her talk about her struggles.

When I looked into Carnie Wilson’s eyes, I could see my reflection!

Carnie was born in the public eye, her father being a singer. The cameras and the media have focused on her all of her life. Putting a little thought into this, the media, just like so many other facets of our lives focuses on when we are NOT good enough.

If Carnie Wilson had lost every bit of her weight and managed to keep it off, would we know about it? Would she have every move she makes broadcasted across TV screens in millions of homes?

Reading about last night’s show, it says Carnie talked about cross addictions. She admitted to shopping, alcoholism and baking. Her battles were not cured with weight loss sugery, it seems they got worse. Addictions are real; I was addicted not to FOOD, but the comfort I received from food.

Let’s talk about that! How was eating TWO Big Macs, Large Fries, and a large Diet Coke comforting? Where was the consolation in eating an entire Little Ceasars Pizza? What did eating a bag of Ruffles do for me? What caused this insatiable hunger and how could I move past this?

Lots of questions, and I wonder how many people think of these questions BEFORE they have surgery? I certainly did not! Being a chameleon is something I had become quite versed in and passing the little physch eval to qualify for surgery was a BREEZE for me! In reality I was not emotionally ready to have surgery.

YES, I did manage to lose well over 200 pounds with my surgery, but believe me when I say a few years into the post op life, I woke up and realized, “I NEED HELP!” I was becoming hungry again! Sure the surgery had bypassed my intestines leaving me with 40-60% malabsorbtion of not only my caloric intake, but also my nutrient intake. Of course my surgery provided me restriction making my stomach into a pouch the size of an egg. But what my surgery didn’t do is fix the wiring from my brain to my stomach. The signal that screams out, “Food makes this pain feel better!”, was stronger than ever.

Early in my journey I started an online journal. I was hiding my feelings and emotions from my then husband and his girlfriend. Already feeling like I was on display and in high judgement from the two of them, hiding was the thing to do. My onscreen name was Miss Dolly. I chose that because since I have been old enough to sit up, I have loved Dolly Parton. I remember seeing her in person when I was around 2 years old; it seemed to me as if she were an angel at the time. Now being an adult, I KNOW she is an angel!

Miss Dolly (ME) shared it all online, emotions and feelings of hurt and betrayal, but also she started planting seeds and ideas of a better life for herself. Basically my life became a soap opera written in an online journal. I was no where near “famous” but yet, I felt as if I were in the public eye.

In essence I was doing the same thing I have done all my life! I would eat exactly what I was supposed to, went to the gym sometimes twice a day, and I was a cheerleader for others on line. The excitement each day as the scale dropped was evident in each post, and I realized my excitement and my enthusiasm was not for me and MY success. I was trying to be the chosen one! I wanted to be liked online, for people to look to me for answers since I was doing ALL the RIGHT things.

Keeping that vision in my head, Susan Maria, whom I had already established a internet friendship with, invited me to represent her company at the ASMBS in Orlando. I sat back and dreamed about it for weeks before I came to the conclusion that I could not accept this invitation. Being married to a man who was controlling and abusive would not permit this growth in my life. Sadly enough I allowed it! There were plenty of dreams though, I imagined what I would wear and how I would talk.

All the while journaling that my life was wonderful because the scales were moving down, I could run miles at the gym, I could leg press over 100 pounds; of course, my life is wonderful. The sad truth could only be read between the lines of my journal or by looking into the windows of my soul!

Eventually, I got the nerve to accept one of Susan’s invitations and I represented MYSELF and her company at the ASMBS in Las Vegas. I worked hard on my own issues and my self esteem and eventually left the abusive marriage. At 6 1/2 years post op, I am maintaining my weight loss. I have no addictions, but I work on my “inner” self both in therapy and by journaling. This blog is NOT my real life journal. There are somethings one must keep sacred!

I can only imagine how my story would have turned out if I would have been on a televised scale. STOP judging Carnie Wilson! She is one of us, and we have no right to judge her. How about putting a little love in our hearts this morning and having compassion and empathy for a fellow bariatric patient.

Other addicitions could have had happened to anyone of us, and many of us are affected by them. Addictions come in many forms: computer games, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, and even exercise. Some people hide with these addictions. But addicitions are a very REAL thing.

So my thoughts on Carnie Wilson. While I have compassion, I chose not to watch her reality show. There are too many areas of MY life that need tending for me to be concerned with yours. Basically I am responsible for me and my actions, not Carnie Wilson’s. I wish her the very best.

Dare to BE who you are! There is no need to have heros! BE your own hero!

Love & Light

~~Teresa~~

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The Gospel of LOVE according to Ed Hardy!

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“I Will Always Love You” Dolly Rebecca Parton

It has been below normal temperatures in South Florida the last two weeks. Several days it has been less than 30 degrees. I am the one you see wearing sundresses in the middle of winter, so when the temperatures dropped, I had nothing to wear.

How blessed I felt to pick up a Ralph Lauren Sweater dress with black tights that had a pricetag of over $200, and I brought the entire outfit home for $30. TJMaxx is wonderful for things like this, plus sometimes I feel like I am finding hidden treasures in the store as I shop.

When I first moved to South Florida in July of 2006, I was introduced to both TJMaxx and Ed Hardy. I remember spending countless hours in the mall, drooling over the lastest Ed Hardy fashions. I was drawn to the slogan “Love Kills Slowly” I recall sitting at a Sushi Bar with Susan Maria telling her how someday I would find a pair of Ed Hardy Jeans with that slogan at TJMaxx and when I did they would BE mine!

I seemed to BElieve in the slogan as my own marriage had ended leaving me a bit wounded. The only thing I could see at the time in 2006 was a misty vision that was skewed by lies and pain. There was no LOVE in my marriage, instead there was many fantasies on my end. Fantasies that someday I would wake up and suddenly this would be a fairytale white picket fence marriage. But one day I realized “It Ain’t Happening!”

Often I would pick up the Ed Hardy shirts in the mall and touch the rhinestones that embelished the words “Love Kills Slowly” sometimes even trying them on.

NOW Whats this have to do with the COLD WEATHER in South Florida? As I as shopping for warmer clothes this past weekend at TJMaxx, imagine my surprise as I rounded the end of the isle and there it stood. An entire rack of Ed Hardy jeans. I stood there in awe. Going through the racks I realized rather quickly there were TWO designs, one with a Skull and Roses design on the front thigh, embellished with multi-colored rhinestones. I picked up a pair of those and into my shopping cart they went. The second design, Ed Hardy written in white leather across the rear end of the jeans and a skull with roses painted on the back pocket. “Love Kills Slowly written across the front of the jeans.”

Those of you who know me, or have followed my journey realize one thing about me, “I leave no rhinestone unturned” a quote I borrow frequently from Dolly Parton. I love rhinestones, crystals and all things sparkly. So the first design of Ed Hardy Jeans just SCREAMED buy ME!

I took both pair of jeans into the dressing room and as I slid those “skinny jeans” over my hips, I sort of giggled and snorted like a teenager. Look at me I have lost more than 200 pounds, more than 225 pounds and I kept it off and LOOK AT ME I am wearing Ed Hardy jeans.

Ed Hardy Jeans?

Ed Hardy Jeans?

Ed Hardy Jeans?

I stood there looking in the mirror, as I turned my body and looked at the view of my backside in these jeans. I thought to myself, look at that I am NOT fat anymore. I have on Ed Hardy jeans and they are SKINNY JEANS. Then I turned as the words “Love Kills Slowly” in rhinestones caught the light and reflected in the mirror.

My eyes became fixed on the mirror and the words sparkling back at me. I said the words slowly and outloud watching my lips as the words crossed them. These jeans fit me perfectly like they were made for me. They looked very good too and enhanced my tiny waist.

Wasn’t this what I had asked for? I took one last look in the mirror first at the skull then into my eyes. In my eyes I see nothing but love. Love dwells inside me and flows freely to everyone around me. How could I display the gospel of love according to Ed Hardy on my body?

I would dare say its a lack of LOVE that kills slowly! There was a huge sense of relief that went all over me. I felt as if I were no longer “dying”. These jeans that I had hoped for, wished for and dreamed of meant nothing. Not only did I not need them, I did NOT want them! They go against everything I BElieve!

When I went back and looked through the racks again, I managed to find a beautiful winter outfit with a gold lotus flower on the shirt, and another casual outfit with Peace and Love written all over it.

Allow love to heal your wounds true and deep!

Peace and Love now thats a world that I dream of~ Imagine!

Love & Light

~~Teresa~~

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want

(No 2010 Resolutions, Instead Steady Resolve)

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“What would you do if you landed in a foreign country where you did not know anyone?” my therapist asked me during a long emotional session. I stared at her with a blank look then said “ I would figure it out, I would do what I had to do to survive.”

As I begin my journey into 2010, I am trying to refocus, and clean out things I don’t need. Things accumulate in our lives in more ways than one. Sometimes those with the neatest, cleanest houses have the most clutter in their emotional or spiritual lives.

Sometimes we hold on to things, ideas or even relationships because of the fantasy we create about them. Oh I agree there is a certain amount of trying and struggling that is necessary, but when is enough just that enough? I was told today I need to find balance in my life, and oddly enough I agree with the statement. There are some things in my life that I have been holding on to and allowing that are throwing me off balance. They say change is good, so why do we hold on to the things that we struggle with. Is it because we like the thing we are holding on to, or do we LIKE the struggle?

I had a very good friend once that told me people come into our lives for a reason, they serve a purpose and when the reason is no longer there we have to let those people go. I remember the day my friend said that to me and the song that immediately came to my mind was Dolly Parton’s I will always love you. I remember that day very well though, and immediately I started working hard to BE needed, to BE loved and to BE wanted. I thought at the time if I could BE all those things I would always have a friend. Well, that thought process is what often leads us to being the proverbial doormat with Welcome written in big letters. A doormat for the world, as it displays a sign that says you are welcome to not only step on me but to wipe all your crap on me in the process and then step over me leaving me injured and dirty.

This sounds so dark doesn’t it? Well it is dark, and though I focus on the sunshine before I can actually heal any wounds that are present I must touch them, acknowledge them and feel them, because these are the clouds that get in the way of true sunshine. It seems as though this “way” had become the way in all my relationships.

I have always changed who I am to BE what everyone else wanted. I had in essence become a chameleon. Like an actress in play, being the part for whoever was writing the script for the day, playing out the programs that everyone wanted.

Was I wrong or bad to try so hard to be what others wanted? No, I just had a lesson to learn. Do you remember what It was like working through a problem that you just couldn’t figure out in school, and how the aha moment came when you actually got it…

Being a part of a team is great, as long as you don’t have to change who you are to participate. If being in a relationship means you are on a team, it takes both players. Not one player making all the shots. Not one player calling every play. I want to dance through life, not have someone twirl me around and make me dizzy.

I believe we all have a higher power that goes with us through life. I believe that divinity dwells inside my heart and soul, it is my job to not forget that. Life is divine when I actually live It and stop cluttering it with debris that pulls me down.

I recently took a short vacation in Mexico, basically I found myself alone in another country, where they spoke a different language than I speak. I knew no one, and had no one to rely on for answers. Not only did I survive, I had a wonderful trip, and I thrived. I relied on myself, my choices, my intuition and my needs. I am thankful for a therapist who can help me stand back and realize these things and how they apply.

This year there will BE no resolutions for me, no promises to change my ways, or to be “better”. Instead I am making a resolve*to BE who I am!! No more striving to BE better or more, and no more settling for less..I resolve to not be co-dependant!

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Finding My Inner Dolly

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Hello! My name is Teresa White…

“And how does that make you feel?” my therapist asked me just last night. “I think I feel……” then I burst out with “Why can’t I just say how I feel? Why is it so hard for me to admit that I feel?”

Her reply a soft spoken “Talk about that, Teresa.” I looked at her and said “I have never been allowed to feel, I have been programmed it’s NOT ok to cry, it’s not ok to hurt or even be angry. It is not ok to BE” “Hell it’s never been okay for me to have an opinion even, much less to voice it”

That is when I realize I have always stuffed food in my face to numb whatever the emotion I was having, I am no longer doing that. But, that leaves me to feel the pain of the emotions. I had numbed myself before weight loss surgery to the point of weighing 375 pounds. I built a wall around me to shield me, now after losing 235 pounds, I feel “exposed”.

There comes a point where eating a whole pizza does not numb the emotion anymore, then what?

My decision to have weight loss surgery came suddenly. As a matter of fact, I was lying on the ground trapped inside my SUV. A deer ran into my path landing against my front passenger side tire sending me spinning and rolling out of control. The impact of hitting the big oak tree jolted every facet of my being. I laid there uninjured but trapped unable to move. As the rescue squad freed me from the wreckage with the Jaws of Life, and 7 strong adults lifted me from the ground, I vowed to not only lose these pounds but to change my life.

I weighed 110 pounds when I met my husband in 1989, and in January 2003, I weighed 375. I am only 5’1” tall. I was building a wall to protect me from the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I was experiencing

That was over 6 years ago, the following September 11 I did have gastric bypass and I became very absorbed with the afterlife of weight loss surgery. I put every effort into losing the weight… still ignoring the real problem.

I watched the number on my scale move downward; I felt bittersweet happiness inside. I lived in an abusive home, my husband used severe tactics to keep me under control, and just taking the step to have bariatric surgery took much strength and courage for me. Say nothing about going through the after surgery with no support but in addition wanted to sabotage my success.

Even without support, I managed to fight the demon in my head that told me to eat in order to control the emotions and managed to lose the excess weight and get to my goal. I was left with massive amounts of skin that left me with other issues. My insurance covered several of the procedures I needed and during a 6 month period, I went through six surgeries; gall bladder removal and five reconstructive surgeries.

Although I am left with extensive scaring (another story in itself), I am blessed to be free from not only the weight loss but the removal of 16 pounds that was left on my abdomen.

However the healthier I became the more jealous, controlling and abusive my husband became. Keep in mind it wasn’t the physical abuse that was eating away at me, it was having every aspect of my life controlled by someone else.

Three years after my bariatric surgery I woke up and realized my life still sucked. All the things that were causing me to abuse food, were still abusing me! I had a choice I could stay in a hell where I knew the names of the streets, or I could use my will, determination and courage and build a new life.

At the age of 36 years old and never having driven outside of WV, I got up one morning after my husband left for work and packed everything I could fit in my SUV and took off driving to a new home where I could build a new life in Florida.

I never knew I could drive to Florida, or that I could work as an executive in a company, or that I could make it on my own living in an apartment alone. I didn’t know because I believed my husbands words when he said I was fat and stupid.

I didn’t just wake the next day after being a broken sparrow for many years and start soaring…I have taken many steps and learned many lessons along the way even over the past 3 years of being away from the relationship. Guess what I still learn each day.

After all, I was only 19 when I married, and had no real life experience or knowledge on what to base “real life”. Through much therapy, and much work on my own inner strength and vitality I have made great progress in overcoming many fears.

In the past three years of living on my own I have learned many life lessons as well including but not limited to:

1. If the underlying cause of obesity is not addressed, the hunger will return. It’s not always a physical hunger, sometimes it’s the need to feed an emotion. Bariatric surgery is just a tool for weight loss. Success comes with wisdom of how to use the tool, including taking care of the other issues in life.

2. There is no shame or guilt in putting myself first and taking care of my own needs. I don’t need validation or approval.

3. There is no room for a scale in my home; my success is NOT determined by the number on the scale.

4. I must strive to be my own best friend, because in the long run, I can only depend on my choices and I AM responsible for myself.

5. Focus on the positive in the day, strive to see the blessings in your day and not get stuck in the negative. It’s never too late to stop being a victim and be a warrior in life!

6. Bariatric surgery is in itself is a huge change in our physical and emotional structure, life is hard and it’s how we react to it that determines our future. Just like we have to keep the wheels balanced on our car for a smooth ride, we have to go at life in a balanced, grounded manner or the road will be rough!

7. Therapy is a good thing.

8. Unconditional love starts at home, by loving me!

9. If I have the chance to sit it out or dance, I must remember I love to dance!

10. I still love Dolly Parton, she wears what she wants, says what she feels and she doesn’t care what anyone else thinks about it!

Getting to goal weight is not the end; it’s really just the beginning. So in essence I am finding my own “Inner Dolly”!

Hugs,

Teresa ~

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