Please Listen
By: Louisa Latela, MSW, LCSW
Please Listen
As my clients work to create physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy lifestyles they begin to understand how they used food to numb uncomfortable emotions. Part of creating a healthier lifestyle means they must learn to sit with the awkwardness of feeling and at times go out of their comfort zone and express their feelings. For many this is a very new and scary task.
A common complaint from clients when describing how they have tried to talk more intimately with their spouses about their fears, vulnerabilities, and frustrations is that they do not feel heard or validated. They report their spouses often respond to such conversations by trying to “fix them” leaving them the impression that their feelings are somehow wrong.
It is so important for partners to understand that allowing their spouses to express their emotions in a safe and non judgmental environment is in and of itself very powerful and healing. Many of my clients have found the following poem to be quite helpful in teaching their spouses how to listen:
Please Listen
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen!
All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
Then I can stop trying to convince you and get about this business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people -
because God is mute,
and he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn -
and I will listen to you.
Author Unknown
If you have any questions or comments about this post please feel free to contact me at louisa@louisalatela.com, www.louisalatela.com, or 856.429.9799.
Have a beautiful day!
