My Body Is a Wonderland

(A Lesson in Self Love)

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I’ve always thought I’d like yoga, but I had an experience last week (during my third yoga class) I hope I never forget.

I had attended two yoga classes before the one last week. My first class was the day after I tried cardio dance for the first time. I think I was depleted. I’m not sure I ate enough calories that day given the amount of exercise I had done. And the yoga just felt awful.

Partly, I was envious of the other people in the class who looked slim and comfortable in their skin. I felt dumpy and embarrassed in my exercise clothes.

While no one stared, I was sure people were judging me about something. My big butt, my wobbly arms, my folds of skin, my age, anything negative I could come up with.

I think I was sad realizing I have an older body now, and the last time I did yoga (years ago) I had been more flexible. Yes, I was grieving the younger body I lost to obesity and time.

To make matters worse, I now had very poor balance, still trying to compensate for the huge body I no longer have.

The second class was better. I can’t say I loved it, but I felt better than I did the first time — not so awkward and not so focused on how my droopy body looked in my exercise clothes.

I was able to balance on one foot for a few seconds. Progress.

To get ready for my third yoga class, I shopped for a new exercise outfit. I didn’t try it on at the store. I just pulled a “medium” off the rack, knowing it would fit — and probably be a bit big.

The morning of class I put the outfit on and realized it was skin tight. Oh no! As I looked in the mirror at home I decided that because the yoga room is dimly lit, and because I didn’t want to make excuses, I would go to class anyway and just deal with the embarrassment.

After all, I live in embarrassment most of the time anyway.

The class began with a lit candle and a humming sort of music that touched my soul. I moved through the sun salutation and realized I could do it with ease.

As we twisted to do a “triangle” position, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. There I was in the sea of bodies attending the class — and I realized that if I was someone else looking on, I would not even have noticed me.

I looked like everyone else. Not better, not worse. I was just like them.

Realizing I was not sticking out like a sore thumb struck me at a very deep level and I’m not even sure why. It must have been the idea of fitting in, which I must have always longed to do.

I also realized that my tight clothes allowed me to really feel where in space my body was, and allowed me to move in a completely unrestricted way.

It felt great to be exposed and at the same time indistinguishable from the others in the class.

At the end of class we did a meditation. I floated away, more relaxed than I have been in 20 years. The kind of relaxed that only comes when there is no self consciousness.

I experienced a nirvana I don’t think many people with eating disorders such as mine ever experience.

And then, I started to cry. Right there in the yoga class! As the lights came up and people started to leave I sat there wiping away my tears, feeling surprised at my emotion and oddly elated.

The yoga teacher looked at me questioningly. I found myself saying to her, “I’m not sure, but I think this is first time in 20 years I’ve really been in my body.”

Being in my body, for me, meant to be without shame and self consciousness. I had no need to mentally leave. I was completely, 100%, present.

This morning, as I looked in the mirror after my shower, I saw my empty folds of skin. The scars trumpeting my battle with obesity. And then, looking closer, I saw my body. The shape my muscles give it. The leanness underneath. The power in it.

My body is a wonderland.

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Drop Some Rocks!

(Is Your Life a Burden?)

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Imagine that your job in life is to swim across a fast-moving river carrying a bag of rocks. People often fill their bags with too many rocks, including rocks that don’t belong to them.

A fast-moving river can be hard to get across even under the best of conditions. And it’s nearly impossible to cross when you are carrying a heavy burden.

We live in a busy world. Often success is measured by how much we do, how busy we are, and how heavy the load is that we carry.

WLS patients are faced with a choice after surgery, because we have chosen to add some hefty rocks to our bags — the responsibility of making our rigorous WLS lifestyle a priority — our ability to carry lots of other rocks will be limited.

By the very nature of our WLS we carry a lot of rocks in our bags: taking vitamins and supplements, monitoring our labs, exercising, losing and maintaining weight, drinking water, eating enough protein, dealing with food obsession, being prepared for any eating situation, adjusting our self image, fighting urges to graze or overeat or eat sweets…I could go on and on!

This added burden for WLS patients makes it imperative that we be deliberate in the number and size of the rocks we carry.

Because we carry the extra burden of the WLS lifestyle, we must take a realistic look at our lives and adjust our obligations accordingly.

If you are carrying other people’s rocks unnecessarily; i.e., doing all the work for the team at your job, volunteering again because no other parent will step up, making cookies for a friend’s party; you might want to rethink what you’re doing.

Carrying too many rocks is risky business. And carrying your WLS rocks and everyone else’s just might make your sink.

Keep these three things in mind, and begin to work on not making yourself carry such a huge bag of rocks:

1. Everyone has to carry rocks, but the people whose loads are the lightest tend to set good boundaries, value themselves, and take an honest look at their capabilities.

2. When you carry someone else’s rocks, and they are capable of carrying their own rocks, you don’t do yourself or them a favor.

3. Making brave choices about which rocks you will carry — and which ones you will not carry — will bring you more rewards than you could ever imagine.

Just remember, you don’t have to do everything everyone expects of you. You can say no to eating at a restaurant that triggers you to overeat. You can ask your husband or wife not to bring chips into the house. You can even say no to running an errand for a friend, if running that errand would interfere with your healthy habit of eating before you get too hungry.

The river may rage in my life, but I am determined to carry as light a load as possible. How about you?

To get my free e-newsletter and the special report, The 10 Most Common Mistakes Weight Loss Surgery Patients Make, go to: www.nawls.com

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Transfer Addiction Is Common

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I spoke at a conference last weekend on the topic of Transfer Addiction. When I was researching the topic for my speech, I learned that an Austrian psychologist estimates as many as 30% of weight loss surgery patients may develop a transfer addiction after surgery.

That’s a huge number.

I get several emails a week from people who are feeling as out of control as a car on ice.

They are out of control and in a panic. Some have a food addiction, and have regained some weight. Others have found themselves suddenly addicted to alcohol or shopping or gambling.

The sad reality is people are very ashamed of addictions. But they shouldn’t be. Addictions are complicated; they are caused by both physical and psychological reasons — but not by lack of willpower or by personal weakness.

Addiction is about changing how you feel. But how you feel is effected by what you eat, how you live, your brain chemistry, your hormones, and many other things.

Instead of looking for blame, though, the most productive response to an addiction is accepting responsibility for quitting your addiction. No matter how slick the ice, you can turn the steering wheel in the correct direction, and come out of the skid.

Talk to an addiction professional if you are feeling out of control with a substance or behavior. Or write to me: katiejay@nawls.com

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