It’s All or Nothing

(A Cognitive-Behavioral Study)

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My Life Has Been All or Nothing

I’ve always heard that everything in moderation is a good rule to follow. However, my life has been all or nothing—at least where food is concerned.

I wonder if anyone else has felt this way…

If I were dieting, I was strict. I remember going on Weight Watchers one time (of many), and I was invited to a dinner at a friend’s home. I had communicated to her what I was allowed to have and what I was not allowed to have. One thing I was not allowed to have on the program at that time was corn. When the vegetable bowl came around the table, I was horrified that the vegetable, which was mixed vegetables, had corn in it. I tried to pick the corn out, but my friend poo-pooed my fear of eating the corn. And, so, reluctantly, I ate the mixed vegetables with the corn.

Or course, by then, I had ruined my diet. There was no way that I could check off on the chart on my refrigerator that I had executed a perfect day on the program. And so, when I returned home that night, I ate a big bowl of ice cream, some crackers, and anything else I could find in the house…After all, either I was doing Weight Watchers perfectly, or I wasn’t.

The same has been true in many other circumstances. I have failed by taking a wrong bite, and ended up eating myself into oblivion for the following week.

Everything in moderation is a good rule to follow. The all or nothing rule is one that determined my willingness to be mindful about my food intake.

Until I reached the point that I absolutely could not stand myself, until I thought of myself as a disgusting failure, I could not come up with the courage to structure my food intake. For months, I would go along in complete denial that the scale was going up, up, up— “pretending” to be a “normal” person, like the other girls who never gave food a thought. When I lost weight, I felt great. I’d keep that good feeling but live without intention until I hated myself so much that I’d have to do something to end the self-hatred.

A patient told me yesterday, I lose weight, feel great, gain weight, hate myself, and this goes on and on.

It’s all on nothing.

One of the most helpful things I have learned is this:

It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down. What is important is how long it takes you to get up.

You are worth it. You are not perfect. You are not despicable. You are human. Love yourself. Let others love you, too.

I am thankful for weight loss surgery because through this surgical intervention, I have learned to live in moderation, to love myself, and to allow others to love me.

You, too?

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